Grateful Johnny
Tad's still a bit slow getting a blog done, so back by unanimous lack-of-heated-opposition...Johnny America!
It's the holiday season. Gratitude is big. Payback comes when they get all touched by your sensitivity and give you that Christmas gift upgrade.
FIVE REASONS I'M GRATEFUL:
1. I'm a man. Hey, nothing wrong with being a woman – it would definitely be my number two choice. But somehow it's just better being a man. I wouldn't be a good lesbian – I hate politics and I'm scared of motorcycles – but I just can't see dating guys. And, also, when you're a man you get to do man things, many of which allow us to be stupid as much as we want and sometimes even get paid for it, like professional sport fishing and competition eating.
2. Nobody in my family wants to kill me. Not this year, anyway.
3. The economy is so crappy that everyone stopped talking about politics. (I think there was an election, too, so if that's over, that probably helps, too.) And another plus: it's so bad that nobody thinks you're a jerk when you ignore homeless panhandlers, because these days nobody's giving anybody anything. Silver lining, dude.
4. In another twenty years or so most of the Baby Boomers will be dead and Newsweek and Time magazine can stop printing articles about hip replacement and vitamins and Bikram yoga and go back to having pictures of naked women. (They used to have that, didn't they? They must have, because both those magazines have been around a hella long time.)
5. My childhood dream of spending my life as a professional crossing guard didn't come true, so now I don't have to sit on a folding stool all day on some street corner hoping the kindergarten moms don't notice the Old Overholt on my breath. Not to mention being the first guy the cops come talk to every time some kid almost gets picked up by a stranger in a dirty 1992 sport van.
Posted on
Dec 09, 2008
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01:41 PM
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